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Monday, December 25th, 2006
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6:47 am - Christmas eve.
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Today my dad told me that I cant do anything right because I am so stupid,and that he wishes he could beat the stupidity out of me and that he hopes I hate him and more similar things for about a half hour....and I officially decided that im not talking to him at all anymore for a long long time,and as much as I am mad at him for being horrible....I still feel absolutley terrible that hes spending christmas all by himself...maybe I just feel terrible that it is has to be that way.Im not sure.I just always have to hate christmas time because I take things to heart so much.
current mood: lame
current music: asecondtoolate
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, November 25th, 2006
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7:51 am - this update is really important.
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today I felt so lonely...but that has nothing to do with this update...i read all my old livejournal updates tonight and I swear I almost cried...a couple nights ago when I saw jacks mannequin....my eyes were welling up during one of their songs and I had to hold my tears back....life right now really has me....all those old updates about all these different people...i swear I dont even know how to react to how life goes by....so many memories....so much has changed...smoking/drinking just growing up....i swear everything changes so fucking fast...way faster then I want it too.just a seconds ago I skated every day with joel at havel..my life was skating...Back then I would never ever believe that when I was a senior I wouldnt of touched a skateboard in a bout a year.
I seriously just want to knowwwwww..doesnt anyone think of where all this time goes...does anyone ever just maybe wonder if they are spending this time the right way????????
current mood:  worried
current music: The early november-my lack of skill
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
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4:09 am - I havent updated in like 9 years.
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MMM so yeah lately everything this has gone back and fourth from bad to okay.
homecomming was fun...danced with a ton of boys which wasnt what i expected at all but still fun.after was crazy...i was retarded.
today i went to a piano shop on 23 mile and played the pianos...i want to go there every day and write songs.
at the end of homcommming whne they played the goo goo dolls as the last song....i wish i coulda like paused the moment and write every lyric in the world....not like emo lyrics....i wasnt even sad that i didnt dance with anyone...but it was just a good moment to take in everything ya knowwww
but peace ill prolly update in like another 9 years.
current mood:  blah
current music: copeland
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, September 7th, 2006
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12:44 am - This update doesnt make me seem like it,but sometimes I really do love this world and my life.
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I dont know if anyone is even on LJ anymore.
I havent updated in forever.
Its now 1:45 am and I am prolly not going to fall asleep till about 4 or 5 am againnnn for school.
I almost cried at work while doing the dishes tonight,and when I came home while I organized my school binders,Im scared that when I try to fall asleep tonight,that it might happen againnn.
I honestly take strong sleeping pills every night and I still cant fall asleep because Im terrified of things.
But I am honesty doing my best to not worry,I think I am in an okay mood when im around people at school.
I talked to my mom,she promises everything I am worried about will be okay,I really really hope shes right,im glad I can tell her anything,shes such a good women.
If there was anytime to pray to god for things to be okay,now would be the time.
I truley believe that all of this will soon pass,and life will continiue and everything will be great.
God Bless.
I love you all.
current mood: worried,scared,hopeful
current music: silence.
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| Monday, July 24th, 2006
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12:51 am - I really like writing lyrics.
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SO camp was amazing....I cannot describe all the fun stuff I did...we freaking climbed on top of the huggggge church, 2 times...skated till about 5 am,stole the golf carts from the staff,drove them through the lobby of the churchhhh,and road tripped two hours to camp and back with 3 of my really good friends. IF THIS ISNT WHAT BEING YOUNG IS ALL ABOUT,THAN I DONT KNOW WHAT IS!
So yeah on the way to camp I wrote alottt of lyrics as we drove through the middle of nowhereezzzzz.heres muh favorite!
I have seen the country,I have seen the city,Ive yet to come across a place that id rather be than in your arms,I have no idea where we are tonight,but we will kiss and we will make this middle of nowhere a somewhere,under stars forever,this is the july I will always remember.I wont think of the distance,in my heart we'll be together.
Its not the months or the years,its the days that kill,its like all I can do is miss you all the time,You know all I want right now in life at this very moment is 3 wishes,id use 1 wish to have you here,than 2 wishes to kiss you 2 times.
But here is my advice to you,find a smile in absolutley everything you go through,even when it seems like you have no luck,dry your tears and please keep your head up,do not fall apart,think of something dear to you at heart.
And You know what I will always say,I am always a phone call away.
current mood: tired/good
current music: underoath???
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, July 13th, 2006
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1:40 am
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I SERIOUSLY really wish I could say I dont care anymore.But I care so much.I dont get it.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, July 10th, 2006
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9:52 pm
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The past 2 days.I think I ate around 6 mini carrots.and thats it.I hate being sickkkkkkkk.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, June 26th, 2006
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1:05 am - Only if u knewwwwww.
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Why does every single great day,have to be ruined because of something stupid that i realized.
Its prolly such a selfish thing too.
I could cry.I am so Emo.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 1st, 2006
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10:39 pm - Please read this. It might help you help someone. That someone might be yourself.
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I do not know how to describe the feeling I have right now...I think its mostly a bad feeling,its like worried/scared/careless/anxious feeling and I dont like it at alllll.....I dont know what i want to be when I grow up,and I dont know who i wanna be right now...and I dont know what I stand for,and I dont know who Im mad at and im not sure why,I wonder if things happen by chance,or if what happens is just the way it should be. I am a poet though. A confused poet.It seems like a confused person is the only title I can put on myself lately,because it seems like the only thing that doesnt change is change itself,I noticed that Change is what made the mess that changed me into a mess that will be the mess that causes other bad endings which myself I would just call by my own definetion a mess. but nothing is certain anymore,and I dont know what anything is for,I do know a statistic though that I dont think will ever change or get better. Its a statistic that some person figured out that calculated that each person spends about 30 years of their life being mad at family members or loved ones. Its my own statistic that I made up that each person spends about 30 years being mad at themselves, for being mad at family members or loved ones. They say its because people change so much that is impossible to love someone for forever,but if people change so much I wonder why we never change from stubborn to forgiving. You see if your a person that doesnt remember anything, I truley hope you will remember this. This whole world changes. The sun,the sky,the tides,and all the little nothings in between. Life is anything but the way we thought it should of been,change is not just what we do its who we are. I guess I am a confused,changing poet,or something around there,like I said I was never quite sure.
current mood: changing
current music: Junior varsity
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, May 13th, 2006
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10:05 pm - Thank god that rain does stop and that Im not gay.
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So its supposed to rain till tuesday....and that is the prolly worst news ever. I dont know why but the wheather affects me so much it insane...its honestly like something i hate more then anytihng...when everythings wet and stuff....I do not know how everyone Loves thunderstorms....i honestly would rather of a beautiful blue sky anyday.people are weird.
and in sociology...my class took a proffesional test online made my phsycologist that tells you weather your brain funtions more male and female...and my results were 77% female & 23% male.....i am prolly the most femine boy in the world....thank god im not gay. :D
PS.
I like you alottttttttt.
and your most likely dont know who u r!
tehehehe!
current mood: good & bad
current music: the audition.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, April 29th, 2006
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1:28 am - Faith
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Politley Softley,And Peacfully...I will creep secretly away from these streets of my home town after the sun has gone down and before the sun will come up. to a new land that I can call "home" that has a new happy ending with every sunset,and a place where sound waves do not grow big enough for families to scream,and hate not strong enough to kill,only passion that glows from outside for us to feel on the edge of every window sill.and sometimes in the midst of this new great harmony my lovely and I will walk hand to hand,past cherry lane and across the woods northside of town,simply to walk up a hill to see my old home far off into the distance, and my lovely who never let go of my hand,moves her voice as close to my hearing as possible, and whispers oh so Poltley,Softley, And Peacfully."I hope that town burns straight into the ground,but with casualties all around and not a death to be found,just so they can watch their precious possessions ripped apart,leaving them with only the clothes on their back and the love in their heart,the love that they forgot could of held them together, forever and ever, for all eternity"
<3
I said "come now lovely,we must see other cities,and let our faith guide us as we pray,for this is not the only people that need to be saved"
current mood:  The usual
current music: Silence
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, April 26th, 2006
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11:17 pm
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Noone will
Ever
Really know.
I Am A
Complete
Mess.
current mood: worried
current music: Classical Piano
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| Tuesday, April 18th, 2006
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2:44 pm
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So alots been goin down.Break has been pretty fun,some people are pretty much retarded but hey whatchya gunna do ya know!what-eves!
But I <3 going to CJ barrymoores with alyx and amber....prolly one of the funnest times ever,and going to chilies,and coney island,and playing at mcdonalds...it was one of the best times ive ever had...(we are theives and steel golf clubs,golf balls,and coasters from chilies)
I also <3 seeing taking back sunday with brennen...even if gay bands like suicide city plays and hit themselves in the head with foldable metal chairs while on stage...and then not being able to find brennens car after the show....still worth it cuz tbs was amazing.
I do not like rain at all!,not being able to find my pokemon blue version,going to work,suicide city,people who try to act exactly like other people (like thier freinds),people that like to start drama,and people that arent nice.
I do like vans slip ons,the mall,coney,people that are themselves around everyone,the new mcdonalds play rooms!,my little sister, hellogoodbye, perfect days,the beach,large bodies of water,seagulls,no school,a girl.
current mood:  happy
current music: The eveing raidddddddddd
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, April 1st, 2006
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12:03 am
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| Sunday, March 19th, 2006
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11:22 pm
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So me and the rest of my churches youth band
played in a church in the inner city today.
we were forsure the only white kids in there...
it was honestly the black church everyone would
imagine...even though it was really small...only like
30 people....it was so fun....such crazy nice people.....
what was even crazier was the church was seriously
right in the middle of the ghetto....the guy who drove us to the church grew up around there...and he saw us walking down the street after the service...and hes like where yall headed?....and I was like ohh just gunna walk around...and hes like uhhh this isnt the type of place where u can just walk around...hes like
this is one of the roughest neigborhoods your gunna find...i dont think a bunch of white kids in dress clothes should just walk around....he was so right tho.....after we drove through all the neiborhoods...and omg SRSLY.I have never seen anythinggggg like it....honestly there were houses completley burned down
and trash absolutley everywhere...I know people always joke in the heights about the ghetto and stuff....but honestly its pretty much the sadest thing ever...like I knew that the ghetto wasnt a great place.....but seriously I had no idea how absolutley terrible those neigborhoods really are..you prolly have to go down there and see it to understand....
current mood:  tired
current music: lift him up
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 16th, 2006
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11:15 pm - I need the smell of summer. I need its noises in my ear.
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I think summer should come quick.....as quick as possible
gray skies and cold weather is soooo ugly. But whateves work has been roughhhh.
I truley do hate my job and would love to quit. but I need Cash money ya know
And I have been thinking about quitting the music at my church.....I just dont feel like im
good enough and I am not into some of the "music leaders"
W/E
I got my haircut today at Bocci....that place is crazy....evryones who works
there is a model and its all like fashion designers all talking about clothes and like hair
products....and then theres me sitting there waiting for the lady to cut my hair...lol I felt really outa place.
O well though my hair looks pretty okay compared to my other hair cuts.LOL.
PS
I have been the biggest mess.
I need to pull myself together
current mood:  Patient
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
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10:37 pm
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SO I just got back from retreat with my youth group on sunday.and I cannot describe how amazing it really was....i love my youth group so much and they seriously made last weekend one of the best ever......all day all we would so is just hangout and have church at night....and it was soo good....the night services were so amazing....whenever services like that happens...it makes me remember why I live the way I do...and how lucky I am to have god and such an amazing church in my life. ....and to be honest...life right now has just terrible....like just absolutley horrible....but I still feel soooo much more blessed than anyone else....people have nooo idea...and it sucksss so bad for them...cuz people will always say yeah i know phill smith,he goes to church like 252349785 times a week....but they seriously do not know why I do it....they just have no idea how great it is to have god in your life....i am gunna start inviting more people to church
current mood: cheerful
current music: relient K
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, February 26th, 2006
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1:40 am - I never liked when people complained on LJ
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im so sryyy....I feel horrible for you....and i do not know what to do about it ...it kills! me to know what your going through...and I donno if i should hold grudges or just not blame anyone....its prolly the most complex situation ever....i just hope to god....you can be happy....or find happiness....i seriously wouldnt mind as much if i was the one feeling this way....but it kills me to see anyone i love hurt like that......its so not right....it seriously drives me to the point where i want to do the stupidest things....cuz lately i dont know how to handle anytihng......i am up at 2 am typing this because again i cannot fall asleep because of this whole stupid thing....i would give anything to have things chnage back to the way they were,...and even back then i always knew things were never great...but i never ever knew it would get this bad....i just see the way your struggling and I dont know how not to be mad at certain people which just makes everything worse....ibut im just so confused....you were always the strongest and boldest person and now its like your lostttt and dont even know what to do....and i have always been the person that just wished everyone could be happy and everyone could get along the way its supposed to be....i hope u know that if i could take any pain away from you and take it as my own then i would in a heartbeat...but i cant...this has been the roughest time...sometimes i wonder how ill stay strong.. i think ill be okay....i wish i could say for you..
I know your watching over me,thankyou,Ill always love you so much.I wish you could only realize how much I really care.
current mood: horrible/terrified
current music: dallas green
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| Saturday, February 25th, 2006
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1:26 am - .....
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I garentee this LOVE thing just was not made for me.
Unfortunatly.
current mood: Everytime I think something
current music: might happen It never does,remind me 2 never get my hopes up
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, February 19th, 2006
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12:05 am - When you wish upon a star,makes no difference who you are,anything your heart desires will come to u
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MMM.
The other day was really bright outside.And like there was hardly any clouds up there.
and I realized that all winter we seriously always have clouds. always... like i never realized how
cloudy it always was. It bothers me so much. Cuz we forget how blue the sky is in the summer
Which is forsure something that could make everything so much better right now. I need the summer so
much the noises the smelles,and my god I miss seeing green grass,blue skies and and eveything blooming.
All that beauty that comes with summer just makes me sooo much more excited about school ending this year.
I can honestly say that this summer will be the best ever. I am gunna try and accomplish so much. and improve
myself in so many way. It will just be so great.
But Yeah heres random Things
Yay for the last day of school being on my birthday,June 15th :D
I pretty much live at barnes and noble now.I would consider myself a local there. lol
I LOVE daphne loves derby. Salt and Pollen is the prettiest song ever.
I despise my job. The second find a new one I am so out of there.
I signed up for piano lessons today.
I have many goals in life right now.
Sry if youve seen any of my crabby side lately..lifes been horrible lately. but thats no reason for me to be a downer.
I need new shoes and new pants. Im likin american eagles straight legged pants alot.
All last week at school, I have never gotten so much crap about me wearing girlpants.and dressing "emo"
as many people like to call it.
I still do not swear.
I have went from not liking alchohol to hating it.
I admire people who are amazing at art and music
My little sister is adorable. and funny.
I like a girl! I just dont think she likes me. lol
Trace my heart is taking forever cuz me and alan are broke,
PLEASE COMMENT ON SOMETHINGGGGG I JUST UPDATED ABOUT
NO COMMENTS IS SO LAME
LOL.
current mood: EVERYTHING.!
current music: Peter Pan movie from my tv.
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